The divorce is over, but if you have kids, your relationship with your ex is not.
One of the most important things to remember is that you cannot control or change your ex. The only behavior that you can control is your own. It’s possible, and entirely likely, that if you begin treating your ex-spouse with respect you will eventually get more respect in return—but you shouldn’t do it for that reason…
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By Cathy Meyer, About.com Guide
One of the most common responses that I receive when I tell others that I am divorced is: “Oh, I know how you feel. I just broke up with my boyfriend/girlfriend of [insert number of years here.]“
I know that you’re trying to empathize with me, but I don’t believe that it is possible for you to know how I feel unless you have been divorced yourself. Yes, the end of a long-term relationship is horrible and devastating, but I don’t believe that it compares to the emotional trauma of getting a divorce, no matter how long the couple has been together.
Divorce is a loss unlike anything else that most people will experience in their lifetime. Divorce is hard emotionally, financially and socially; it’s heartbreakingly difficult. Many sources have said that divorce is the second-most traumatic life experience that a person can go through, after the death of a spouse. I fully believe that there is a good reason — actually, many good reasons — that they didn’t include the breaking up of long-term relationships on that list.
While some breakups do involve separating assets and legal paperwork, the majority of breakups of (childless) relationships don’t. All divorces require paperwork — even the ones that end amicably. Divorce brings out the worst in people. Lawyers get involved, fights start and animosity grows. Of course, not every relationship ends badly (for example, my ex and I are still good friends) but in general, having to argue over each book, every dish and every dollar acquired during the marriage is not a fun experience for anyone.
The biggest difference between a divorce and the breakup of a long-term relationship is the emotional and mental toll that it takes. When getting married, a couple stands in front of all of their friends and family — and in many cases, before God — and declares their never-ending love for each other. They promise to spend their lives together “for better or for worse”. After getting married, the two individuals become a family that works together toward common goals, hopes and dreams.
When a marriage ends, the sense of failure that both parties feel is overwhelming. Even if the reason for divorcing is valid, there is still a lingering feeling of having lied to everyone who mattered most. Divorcees often feel like they have let everyone down by not being able to “fix” their marriage.
Along with the incredible sense of failure comes extreme loneliness, because divorce represents the end of “us” and the return to “me, on my own again”. When a long-term relationship ends, there is still a sense of loss but, in most cases, the two individuals were able to keep their sense of self and maintain (somewhat) separate lives during the relationship; returning to their own life after a breakup isn’t as severe a transition.
So if your friend or family member tells you that they are getting a divorce, don’t tell them that you know how they feel, unless you actually do. Tell them that you’re sorry, that you’ll be there to support them, to listen to them, to drink with them, hug them and let them cry on your shoulder. Tell them that it will be tough (because you read it in an insightful Huffington Post article, not because you experienced it personally) but that they will make it through, and in many cases, they will be happier because of it.
Trust me. At the end of the grieving process, they will thank you for it.
by Jennifer Nagy Public Relations & Marketing Professional for Huffingtonpost.com
From my perspective, grief is not dealt with adequately; loss, pain, hurt become entangled with a ball of anger that becomes a cement wall between parents. Parents can keep conflict between them fueled and hire professionals who are instructed to keep the fight going. While professionals, including judges, attorneys, mediators and mental health professionals want to help parents disengage from their relationship in a civil manner, we can’t make them. A judge can order that parents not bad mouth each other in front of the children, but that judge can’t go home with the parents to monitor their behavior. There is no one to monitor parent follow-through. Children’s needs often go unaddressed; they are still treated like property. Their unique needs and challenges become additional weapons parents use against each other.
Society doesn’t give families time to grieve. Is there really a way to quickly work through grief, as many would believe from various “sound bite” statements and reinforced by the media? How can you be told that your partner wants to leave, and still remain a loving parent and go to work and come home as if nothing happened? The reality is that the sudden change in life and family happens overnight and parents are expected to resume normalcy the next day, as are the 1 million children under the age of 18 whose parents split.
When seeking help for their children, parents often expect monumental change — particularly when they have the unrealistic expectation that therapy consists of dropping off their children for a therapeutic “fix.” Can we think about how many years it took to impact a child in a way that is reflected in the behavior we are supposed to fix? Can we really expect children to respect their parents when they have been told repeatedly by each parent about how horrible the other parent is?
Even though parents may spend thousands of dollars on litigation and repeat their court experiences, there is little accountability that prompts parents to follow through with what a judge orders.
While technology has opened new worlds for each of us, it has also obstructed face-to-face verbal communication where all emotions can be expressed in an attempt to understand and then respond. While in some respects technology may provide the veil that makes it easier
to “speak” via online communication, it doesn’t build a repertoire of communication in which both parties improve their listening and responding skills. Many parents state they will not speak directly to their children’s other parent, “only through texting or e-mail.” I often hear, “We can’t communicate.” This is not acceptable. Parents need to communicate in person and focus on addressing the needs of each of their children in a constructive manner.
Children don’t count as much as they need to; their needs are glossed over with statements like “they’ll get over it.” They do get over it somewhat but they adjust in much healthier ways when both parents work together to address their children’s needs. Our center developed an online tool, Family Connex, that helps parents address the major developmental considerations of each of their children — first separately, then together. A road map to raise children goes far beyond the number of days they will spend with each parent.
7 Tips to Promote a Sane and Child Focused Divorce
1. Understand what therapy is, what goals are and how therapists and clients work to achieve those goals. Choose a therapist you trust and support that therapist in working with your child.
2. Explain the transition in easy-to-understand ways for children; reassure them that they are loved and children can love each parent.
3. Model for your children how you want them to treat you. If you take the time to reach out and listen, you will have the answers
4. Take the money you would have spent on legal professionals in court and distribute to your children’s educational accounts.
5. Each parent needs to hear the voice of their children before they make decisions about activities, access, school, religion — this needs to be discussed. The center I direct uses a wonderful online tool to help parents focus on their children’s needs in a customized way and goes far beyond developing a comprehensive parent plan that serves as a road map throughout the co-parenting process.
6. Helping parents through transitions is a life-long process. Conflict, violence and hostility don’t support children; these behaviors destroy them. Every parent has a choice to take the “high road” and provide for their children the very factors that predict healthy divorce adjustment — the number one factor being that parents don’t put their children in the middle of their conflict.
7. Those of us who are parents know that it takes a village to raise children; it also takes a village to support parents through a healthy transition, one that includes letting go of the hatred, vengeance and retaliation.
by Risa Garon (source: HuffingtonPost.com)
People who lose the most important relationship of their life tend to spend some time thinking about what went wrong. If they are at all self-reflective, this means they will acknowledge their own mistakes, not just their ex’s blunders. And if they want to be lucky in love next time, they’ll try to learn from these mistakes.
Research shows that most divorced people identify the same top five regrets—behaviors they believe contributed to their marriage’s demise and that they resolve to change next time. “Divorced individuals who step back and say, ‘This is what I’ve done wrong and this is what I will change,’ have something powerful to teach others,” says Terri Orbuch, a psychologist, research professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research and author of the new book “Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship.” “This is marriage advice learned the hard way,” she says
Dr. Orbuch has been conducting a longitudinal study, funded by the National Institutes of Health, collecting data periodically from 373 same-race couples who were between the ages of 25 and 37 and in their first year of marriage in 1986, the year the study began. Over the continuing study’s 25 years so far, 46% of the couples divorced—a rate in line with the Census and other national data. Dr. Orbuch followed many of the divorced individuals into new relationships and asked 210 of them what they had learned from their mistakes. (Of these 210, 71% found new partners, including 44% who remarried.) This is their hard-earned advice.
Of the divorced people, 15% said they would give their spouse more of what Dr. Orbuch calls “affective affirmation,” including compliments, cuddling and kissing, hand-holding, saying “I love you,” and emotional support. “By expressing love and caring you build trust,” Dr. Orbuch says.
She says there are four components of displays of affection that divorced people said were important: How often the spouse showed love; how often the spouse made them feel good about the kind of person they are; how often the spouse made them feel good about having their own ideas and ways of doing things; and how often the spouse made life interesting or exciting.
The divorced individuals didn’t specifically identify sex as something they would have approached differently, although Dr. Orbuch says it is certainly one aspect of demonstrating love and affection.
Men seem to need nonsexual affirmation even more than women do, Dr. Orbuch says. In her study, when the husband reported that his wife didn’t show love and affection, the couple was almost twice as likely to divorce as when the man said he felt cared for and appreciated. The reverse didn’t hold true, though. Couples where women felt a lack of affection weren’t more likely to divorce.
Do something to demonstrate that your partner is noticed and appreciated every single day, Dr. Orbuch says. It can be as small as saying, “I love you,” or “You’re a great parent.” It can be an action rather than words: Turn on the coffee pot in the morning. Bring in the paper. Warm up the car. Make a favorite dessert. Give a hug.
Money was the No. 1 point of conflict in the majority of marriages, good or bad, that Dr. Orbuch studied. And 49% of divorced people from her study said they fought so much over money with their spouse—whether it was different spending styles, lies about spending, one person making more money and trying to control the other—that they anticipate money will be a problem in their next relationship, too.
There isn’t a single financial fix for all couples. Dr. Orbuch says each person needs to examine his or her own approach to money. What did money mean when you were growing up? How do you approach spending and saving now? What are your financial goals?
Partners need to discuss their individual money styles and devise a plan they both can live with. They might decide to pool their money, or keep separate accounts. They might want a joint account for family expenses. In the study, six out of 10 divorced individuals who began a new relationship chose not to combine finances.
“Talk money more often—not just when it’s tax time, when you have high debt, when bills come along,” Dr. Orbuch says. Set ground rules and expectations and stick to them.
It isn’t good advice just for those with broken hearts, she adds.
In Dr. Orbuch’s study, divorced individuals who held on to strong emotions for their ex-spouse—whether love or hate—were less healthy than those people who had moved on emotionally.
Having trouble letting go of anger, longing, sadness or grief about the past? Keep a journal. Exercise. Talk to a friend (but not endlessly) about it.
Or try writing to the person who has upset you to explain your feelings: “Dear Mother-in-Law. It’s about time you treated me like a full-fledged member of this family and stopped second-guessing my parenting decisions.”
Then take the excellent advice Abraham Lincoln is said to have given his secretary of war, who had written an emotional missive to one of his generals.
“Put it in the stove,” Lincoln said. “That’s what I do when I’ve written a letter when I am angry.”
“This is an exercise for you, to get all the emotions out on paper so you can release them,” Dr. Orbuch says.
It’s hard not to blame. In the study, 65% of divorced individuals blamed their ex-spouses, with more women blaming an ex-husband (80%) than men blaming an ex-wife (47%). And 16% of men blamed themselves, compared with only 4% of women. Dr. Orbuch says the men may simply accept their ex’s view of the breakup. More men than women admitted to an extramarital affair.
How do you blame in a healthy way? Say “we,” not “you” or “I.” Say, “We are both so tired lately,” not “You are so crabby.” When you remove blame, it’s easier to come up with a solution.
Ask your partner for his or her view of a problem. Say, “Why do you think we aren’t getting along?”
“There are multiple ways of seeing a problem,” Dr. Orbuch says. “By getting your partner’s perspective, and marrying it with your perspective, you get the relationship perspective.”
Communication style is the No. 1 thing the study’s divorced individuals said they would change in the next relationship (41% said they would communicate differently).
Spouses need to speak in a calm and caring voice. They should learn to argue in a way that produces a solution, not just more anger.
They have to practice “active listening,” where they try to hear what the other person is saying, repeating back what they just heard and asking if they understood correctly.
To communicate well, partners need to reveal more about themselves, not just do “maintenance communication.”
“It doesn’t have to be emotional,” Dr. Orbuch says. “But it should be about issues where you learn about what makes each other tick.” Such topics help your partner understand you better.
Dr. Orbuch suggests a 10-minute rule: Every day, for 10 minutes, the couple should talk alone about something other than work, the family and children, the household, the relationship. No problems. No scheduling. No logistics.
“You need to tell each other about your lives and see what makes you each tick,” Dr. Orbuch says.
by Elizabeth Bernstein at Bonds@wsj.com
1. When Mommy and Daddy are happier as individuals, their kids will be too. When there’s ugliness between the couple, no one’s happy. Once the halves of the couple move on and find their grounding, each one as an individual has the opportunity to be happier than ever. When children have a happy mom and dad, they’ll do much better.
2. When the tension dissolves out of the house, kids will be more relaxed.Children are like barometers. You can measure the level of tension in the air by their behavior. Once the split happens and the nasty intensity in the environment fades, watch how the children’s behavior follows.
3. When you model that you deserve to be in a satisfying and supportive relationship, you model something wonderful to your kids. If you stay in a bad relationship “for the kids,” don’t fool yourself that the kids will really benefit. Although there will be certainly be an adjustment when you divorce, the end result is positive. You’re showing your children not to settle for an unhealthy marriage.
4. With shared custody, kids have the opportunity to experience each parent as a full and competent parent. Usually when both parents are together, one of them takes on most of the nurturing and/or logistical planning. After a divorce, the children can have each parent completely focusing on them with the time they have together. They can also see each parent fully taking care of home business.
5. There’s the potential for your kids to either witness you being happy on your own or finding a better partner, both of which are a good thing.Whether or not you decide to pair up with another mate, your kids can benefit by watching your joyful independence or new positive relationship. Either way, your children will benefit.
So, if you were thinking this article would be about the horrors your children will experience if you divorce, at this point you’re either hugely disappointed or greatly relieved. What’s most important to remember is your newfound single life after divorce is what you make it — and your children’s attitude and well-being will follow suit.
By Dr. Shoshana Bennett for YourTango.com
Emily and William have done everything right. They have been married for 15 years. They have three beautiful kids. They both work — he’s an analyst, and she’s an attorney for a nonprofit organization. His job pays better than hers, but hers provides a lot of flexibility, which is critical, since William’s job requires a lot of travel. They are not rich, and they do not live beyond their means. In many ways, they are the model American family.
But there’s one big problem: Emily is exhausted. I don’t mean she’s tuckered out and needs to catch up on some sleep — although some sleep would definitely help; I mean she’s running on fumes, living day-to-day and not sure how much longer she can take it.
Because William travels a lot, Emily is left to juggle her job as well as the three kids’ school and extracurricular schedules. She has to worry about trying to keep on top of the housework, making sure everyone’s getting three square meals a day, bird-dogging homework, baths and bedtimes.
Meanwhile, Emily’s doctor has told her that she has high blood pressure and has ordered her to make some lifestyle changes. Carrying out these orders requires commodities that are in short supply at Emily’s house: Time, for sure. And extra money for a gym membership and a house cleaner. And as long as we’re making a wish list, a magic wand wouldn’t hurt.
William has complaints of his own. He would much rather be at home than holed up in a hotel, working long hours and eating bad takeout several nights a week. While his complaints are legitimate, it’s difficult for Emily to feel very sympathetic these days. Getting a job that doesn’t require him to travel sounds like a logical solution, but jobs in William’s field are hard to come by.
Emily’s predicament made me realized how easy I have it. Sure, things get hectic for me sometimes — like for the entire month of December, for example. There’s my daughter’s birthday, Christmas and the year-end demands of my job. Because I’m not married, getting it all done ultimately falls to me.
But I still have it much easier than Emily. Why? Because I am divorced. And along with my divorce, I got a custody schedule. At first, I viewed this schedule as a penalty, because it required me to forfeit days with my daughter. But over the years I’ve come to see it as a consolation prize because it provides me with something I never had when I was married: regularly scheduled blocks of time to myself.
When Hannah is with me, I can cook dinner from scratch. I can put off laundry and other chores and read to her every night. I can blow off running errands that I know she hates. And I rarely get a sitter, because I don’t make social plans that don’t include her.
Then, when she’s with her dad, I get to plan (and even take!) trips with my boyfriend. I get to have dinner with girlfriends. I have uninterrupted personal phone calls. I can stay up late and sleep in on weekends. I can run a marathon of errands or do mountains of laundry without worrying that I’m torturing or ignoring my daughter.
I realize that the success of my situation depends on a couple of big assumptions. First, it depends on my having an ex-spouse that is not a deadbeat dad, and by that I mean one that pays child support and regularly and responsibly exercises his visitation. Second, it assumes that I have the discipline to manage my social life in a way that puts my daughter’s needs before my own whims. I don’t get to do whatever I want whenever I want, but I do have chunks of time to myself to spend as I wish.
I am not bragging about my situation. But the reality is that more than one study in the past few years has found that having kids can actually hurt your marriage. There is a big flaw in the system when it’s easier to be a good parent and a good partner when you’re not married to the father or mother of your kids. If we’re serious about our commitment to the continued viability of traditional marriage, we need to find ways to support those who are engaged in it. (And yes, both of the puns in that last sentence were intended.)
So, what can we do? The solution is twofold. Husbands and wives need to facilitate windows of time when the other one can have some time away. Whether it’s a night out with friends every other week or season tickets to football games, breaks like these are important to the health of the marriage. And it should go without saying that it doesn’t count as a break if the parent staying at home with the kids gives the other one grief about exercising this hall pass. Husbands and wives need to encourage these breaks, not harass each other over them.
Second, couples need blocks of time together without the kids around. Date nights are a good start, but they’re not enough. Couples need entire weekends to spend together on a regular basis — even if they don’t leave town. Maybe you have friends you can trade off with watching each other’s kids one weekend a month. Or perhaps you’re lucky enough to have parents close by who are willing to take the grandkids for the weekend on a regular basis. Or you can bite the bullet and spring for a sitter if you can afford it.
Weekends without the kids can do wonders for a relationship because they provide ample time to do things separately as well as together. Plowing through email, watching a game on TV, catching up on projects around the house, going to dinner and a movie together and sleeping in. Weekends like this probably resemble the way you spent time before the kids came along.
Weekends like this probably helped convince you to marry each other and have kids together in the first place.
Taking a marriage-preparation class before walking down the aisle is standard operating procedure these days. Parenting preparation class should be, too. And I’m not talking about a class that helps you know how to set boundaries for your kids — I’m talking about one that helps you set boundaries to protect your relationship.
Before having children together, couples should work out a plan both for having time away from their spouse and kids as well as having time alone with their spouse without the kids around. Having such a plan before the kids come along can help keep the relationship healthy rather than scrambling to give your marriage CPR after it has been damaged by neglect or built-up resentments.
From venue to menu and a million details in between, couples work hard to ensure that the wedding will be meaningful and memorable. If couples put as much thought and effort into managing their marriage as they do planning their wedding, it’s hard to imagine that it wouldn’t pay off.
If you’re currently married and all of this sounds like so much work that you’re not sure it’s worth the effort, think again. Balancing your parenting obligations against other demands of your personal life might be easier when you’re a single parent, but managing your relationship with your child’s other parent is a whole different story.
by Christina Pesoli
Now that the 2houses new version and its amazing new features are out, we will introduce some of the main new ones here to make sure this new version is no longer a secret for you. Today we’re going to introduce one of the features that many of you asked for, Visits. Adding visits in the calendar let you add time slots when the other parent will have access with one or more children. The organisation has never been so easy!
Here we go,
1) First of all, click on “CALENDAR” in the upper menu and click on “Visits” and then click on “Add a visit in the calendar”.
2) You’re now in the visit wizard, to start, choose the parent that will visit the child, and then choose the child concerned by this visit. Now, choose a date for this visit, a start time and an end time. Choose the frequency for this visit, every day, week, month or year. If this visit does have a end date uncheck the box “no defined end date” and choose an end date in “Repeat until:”, in the case of this visit doesn’t have any end date, leave the box checked. You can also add a place for this visit and some notes. When you’re all done, click on “Save” at the bottom of the page.
3) You have now added a visit, you can have a look at all the visits in this menu. You can have a look at the parent and the child concerned by this visit, the date and the place and the frequency. You can edit or delete the visit by clicking on the arrow on the right.
4) Your visit is now displayed in the calendar at the frequency you set previously.
Now you know how to add a visit in your calendar ! The family organization becomes easier than ever! Next week we’ll introduce another amazing new feature from the 2houses new version! Stay tuned !
Did you know that only about one-third of stepfamily marriages last? The statistic begs the question: What is the deciding factor between the families that make it and those that do not? I propose that if you have a Super Stepmom, your family will stay together.
A strong, focused stepmom can save the family. She is the secret weapon. Why do some stepmoms stick it out while others surrender? A Super Stepmom has three key attributes:
1. Resilience
2. A superpower: unconditional kindness
3. A magical uniform: the invisibility cloak
Resilience is staying power. It is the determination that says, “I will stay in this marriage! I will force those kids to like me! I will ignore that last remark!” There are four types of resilience: social, emotional, mental and physical resilience.
Stepmoms with social resilience have an ally — someone who has their back. The power of spending time with a dear friend who makes you smile and allows you to be yourself gives you superpowers. The Super Stepmom is strong and reaches her goals because she communicates with her BFFs daily.
Strong emotional resilience strengthens your willpower. Can a stepmom ever have enough willpower? The Super Stepmom has a good sense of humor and has a positive view on life. Having one of “those” days? Think a positive thought!
Your mental resilience is tied to strengthening your mental muscles. You do this by tackling challenges. They can be tiny challenges, like, “I won’t flip out when I see the kids’ messy bedrooms!” or big ones like, “I will run a marathon.” Either way, your focus and determination increases. The Super Stepmom screams, “I want this marriage and family to work more than anything in this world. I will commit my time and resources to this end.” She knows that goals that command laser-like focus get done.
The Super Stepmom exercises. She doesn’t need to fit perfectly in her leotard, but she does exercise in tiny bursts so that her heart, lungs and brain get a workout. When the Super Stepmom is at a family event and needs a break, she goes outside and does a few jumping jacks. She knows the power of her physical being.
Every hero has a superpower, and the Super Stepmom is known for her unconditional kindness. Unconditional kindness means we commit to kindness regardless of swords thrown at us. We are unfazed by nasty comments, rolling eyeballs or gossip. We are confident, and we can smile at anything. No matter what the children or society throw at us, we can repel any negativity with our smiling shields. The Super Stepmom understands that her family’s divorce leaves lasting scars, which can make her a reluctant villain.
The final ingredient to superhero status is the cool outfit. The invisibility cloak is granted to every stepmom upon her marriage. She wears it at any event where she is introduced. As soon as you hear the introduction, “This is my stepmom,” you will see the recipient’s eyes divert away. Conversations will shift to other people, and the stepmom never sees those people’s eyes again. Discomfort reigns. The invisibility cloak has come down. Rather than being upset by this, the Super Stepmom embraces her cloak and wears it proudly.
Stepmoms earn their wings by strengthening their resilience, exhibiting unconditional kindness and proudly wearing their invisibility cloak. When you see these qualities, you can be assured that this family is one that will last. They have a Super Stepmom.
by Barbara Goldberg (source: HuffingtonPost.com)
Children who have to live with the unresovled conflict and anger of their parents suffer tremendously. Add to the normal stress of separation and divorce the feeling that the child should choose between the parents and you can cause damage that lasts a lifetime. A child is powerless when it comes to ending the conflict he/she is witnessing. They may feel that if they make a choice it will lessen the conflict they have to live with. One parent can cost their child the other parent and their only motivation is revenge, fear, anger or jealousy. It’s a terrible price for children to have to pay in an attempt to assuage a parent’s feelings.
It is imperative that parents be willing to parent cooperatively, that they put their child’s needs first and that their only concern is their child’s sense of security.
By Cathy Meyer
Now that the 2houses new version and its amazing new features are out, we will introduce some of the main new ones here to make sure this new version is no longer a secret for you. Today we’re going to introduce one of the features that many of you asked for, Photo albums! Photo albums let you share any photo you want as many as want with the member of your 2houses account, launch a slideshow, download entire albums, download photos in original size. Everything at the same place!
Here we go:
1) First, Click on “ALBUMS” in the upper menu and then click on “Create a first album”.
2)Now add a name to your album and if you want to, you can add a description. Once you’ve done it, click on “Save the album”.
3) Your album is now created but it is still empty, click on “Add a first photo to this album” to add some photos!
4) Now that you’ve added some photos, add a title to your photos, and you can also delete them or add some more. Once you’re done click on “Send”.
5) Your album has now been created, you can add more photos, modify the album, download the entire album (.zip file), delete photosn download them in their original size, or play a slideshow.
If you want to, you can comment the photos at the bottom of the page:
Your album has been created ! A picture is worth a thousand words so it’s your turn to share photos and add comments to them!
